Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.