Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER