Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.