I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga