10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom