Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Um … Hot Wings please
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.