[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.