Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on