I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.