As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.