5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics