I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.