There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.