Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You Might Also Like
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
6: are snakes just neck?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*has no idea what a book even is*
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL