My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
You Might Also Like
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes