If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Baking is just science you can eat.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.