*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*