When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
If snakes were wide
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.