Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.![]()
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if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Beware of the dog..
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere