just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Krampus.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
wtf management?!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No