Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend