Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).