Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.