ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
channeling her this year
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
me irl
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask