I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
You Might Also Like
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit