Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…