The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*gets down on one knee*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
These 3D printers are insane!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.