Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
my name if I was in the mob
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Finally! 😈
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too