Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*