Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits