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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video