First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
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checking out some reviews of my local library
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
is this how new cars are made??
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Can Happiness buy money?