*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
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A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.