Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me