Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep