Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
doing your own taxes
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.