I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*