If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.