Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
#Caturday
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater