Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Breaking news:
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.