Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?