I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
accurate
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.