I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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This meeting could have been a cake
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.