That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Print is alive and well!!!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”