Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
first you must answer his riddles
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa