I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.