It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
What’s a Messi?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”