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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
this is literally a CIA plant
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.