Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)