There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???